Agony Aunt

Hey there we at Boundary Booos are not just here in order to talk football we're also here to lend an ear and give you advice on all problems in life, (it's only for people related to Oldham Athletic Football Club mind we we aint helping any of you foreign lot). We have the Dr of Lurve, the one and only Lee Richardson to help listen to peoples queries.

Hi there Dr Lee in the house, I know what you guys are thinking and yes you are correct I do have a 13 inch penis, and my long hair back in the 90's was the subject of my other life as a pornographic performer. As well as this I played many nights in the Oldham Rock Centre in our band "Hair" alongside other members Neil Pointon, Mark Brennen and not forgetting Nicky Banger on drums, (he would hit that target every time!!!)

Dear Lee, I've been having a lot of trouble lately with masturbation I just can't keep hold of the god dam thing, it's like the pace the thing is just too fast for my brain to hand co-ordination and it just slips away from me. I've tried and tried to practice, which is why I have taken up a career as a professional goalkeeper at some gullible 3rd tier football club who bought my ad, but I've played a fair few games and still the whole thing is not working, my balls are going to explode what should I do? D Brill aged 23

Maybe your just not a Dr of Lurve like me, I have no problem whatsoever as my sheer brilliance on the ball tends to just all go through in one motion, hell I could probably play as a goalkeeper for this football club better than you, what would you say If I was to apply for your job?

Dear Lee, I've have a problem with my life, it seems that she doesn't listen to me anymore, it's like I'm a ghost, just the other day we met in the hallway and I let her past me just like I do in any of those situations in life and I got no thank you or any acknowledgement whatsoever. It's the same thing in bed she doesn't let me doing anything when we're getting down and dirty, she just dominates me just like in my professional life, the only other position we've tried is doggystyle but whenever I attempt it she just falls asleep as if I don't have enough physical power. What can I do to get noticed? D Whittaker aged 29

Well man it would help if you had long hair, the chicks dig that sort of stuff, also make more noise around the house, maybe take up playing the guitar, chicks dig the sound of the Blues blasting out first thing in the morning it gets the ladyeez so horny.